The Importance of Being Earnest

by Oscar Wilde

First Act

Fifth Part

Scene. Morning-room in Algernon's flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is
luxuriously and artistically furnished. Jack kneels proposing to Gwendolen,
as Lady Bracknell walks in from the music-room.
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(Enter Lady Bracknell.)

Lady Bracknell. Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture.
It is most indecorous.

Gwendolen. Mamma! (He tries to rise; she restrains him.) I must beg you to
retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite
finished yet.

Lady Bracknell. Finished what, may I ask?

Gwendolen. I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, Mamma. (They rise together.)

Lady Bracknell. Pardon me, you are not engaged to anyone. When you do
become engaged to someone, I, or your father, should his health permit him,
will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a
surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly a matter
that she could be allowed to arrange for herself. ... And now I have a few
questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing. While I am making these inquiries,
you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage.

Gwendolen. (Reproachfully.) Mamma!

Lady Bracknell. In the carriage, Gwendolen! (Gwendolen goes to the door.
She and Jack blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell's back. Lady
Bracknell looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise
was. Finally turns round.) Gwendolen, the carriage!

Lady Bracknell. (Sitting down.) You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing.

(Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.)

Jack. Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.

Lady Bracknell. (Pencil and note-book in hand.) I feel bound to tell you
that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the
same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, in fact.
However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a
really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke?

Jack. Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.

Lady Bracknell. I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an
occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it
is. How old are you?

Jack. Twenty-nine.

Lady Bracknell. A very good age to be married at. I have always been of
opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything
or nothing. Which do you know?

Jack. (After some hesitation.) I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.

Lady Bracknell. I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that
tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit;
touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is
radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces
no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the
upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square.
What is your income?

Jack. Between seven and eight thousand a year.

Lady Bracknell. (Makes a note in her book.) In land, or in investments?

Jack. In investments, chiefly.

Lady Bracknell. That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of
one during one's lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one's
death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one
position, and prevents one from keeping it up. That's all that can be said
about land.

Jack. I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it,
about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don't depend on that for my
real income. In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only
people who make anything out of it.

Lady Bracknell. A country house! How many bedrooms? Well, that point can be
cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? A girl with a simple,
unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the
country.

Jack. Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to
Lady Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months'
notice.

Lady Bracknell. Lady Bloxham? I don't know her.

Jack. Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady considerable advanced
in years.

Lady Bracknell. Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of
character. What number in Belgrave Square?

Jack. 149.

Lady Bracknell. (Shaking her head.) The unfashionable side. I thought there
was something. However, that could easily be altered.

Jack. Do you mean the fashion, or the side?

Lady Bracknell. (Sternly.) Both, if necessary, I presume. What are your
politics?

Jack. Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a Liberal Unionist.

Lady Bracknell. Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come in the
evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. Are your parents living.

Jack. I have lost both my parents.

Lady Bracknell. Both? ... That seems like carelessnous. Who was your
father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the
Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks
of aristocracy?

Jack. I am afraid I really don't know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said
I had lost my parents. It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents
seem to have lost me. ... I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was
... well, I was found.

Lady Bracknell. Found!

Jack. The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, and old gentleman of a very charitable
and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because
he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the
time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort.

Lady Bracknell. Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class
ticket for this seaside resort find you?

Jack. (Gravely.) In a handbag.

Lady Bracknell. A handbag?

Jack. (Very seriously.) Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a handbag--a somewhat
large, black leather handbag, with handles to it--an ordinary handbag, in
fact.

Lady Bracknell. In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew come
across this ordinary handbag?

Jack. In the cloakroom at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake
for his own.

Lady Bracknell. The cloakroom at Victoria Station?

Jack. Yes. The Brighton Line.

Lady Bracknell. The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel
somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any
rate, bred in a handbag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to
display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that remind
one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution. And I presume you know
what that unfortunate movement led to? As for the particular locality in
which the handbag was found, a cloakroom at a railway station might serve
to conceal a social indiscretion--has probably, indeed, been used for that
purpose before now--but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for
a recognized position in good society.

Jack. May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? I need hardly say
I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen's happiness.

Lady Bracknell. I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and
acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort
to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is
quite over.

Jack. Well, I don't see how I could possibly manage to do that. I can
produce the handbag at any moment. It is in my dressing-room at home. I
really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell.

Lady Bracknell. Me, sir! What has it to do with me? You can hardly imagine
that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter--a girl
brought up with the utmost care--to marry into a cloakroom, and form an
alliance with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. Worthing!

(Lady Bracknell sweeps out in majestic indignation.)

Jack. Good morning! (Algernon, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding
March. Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door.) For goodness'
sake don't play that ghastly tune, Algy! How idiotic you are!

   * Next: Act I, Part 6

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The Scenes of the Play

   * Act I: Algernon Moncrieff's Flat in Half-Moon Street, W.
        o Part 1
        o Part 2
        o Part 3
        o Part 4
        o Part 6
        o Part 7
   * Act II: The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton.
   * Act III: Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton

Transcription and organization by Jerry Stratton, for FireBlade
Coffeehouse. If you have any comments or questions, please let us know!
Jerry
jerry@acusd.edu
